One bright, sunny spring day in Vancouver, B.C., I met a young bellman. Because I am legally blind, his boss had asked him to help me with the automatic teller machine across the street. Oh, Canada!
I was in the gorgeous city of Vancouver because I was presenting at an international conference of community educators. I had received a standing ovation in my workshop, something I had never seen or experienced before, and I was high, in love with Canada and life.
Matthew, the bellman, and I had quite an adventure together in the short time we spent traipsing around looking for a machine that would work for me. It was one of those magical moments, everyday moments that can enrich our lives. I like to believe that Matthew and I were forever different after our short encounter. I remember thinking, ???Oh, if his mother knew what I was saying to him, she would love me now!??? I offer this story in case you know any Matthews or in case you are a Matthew.
???Do you know anything I can do about my blushing???? the bellman asked. He stood beside me, punching the buttons on the Visa machine, trying to help me get more Canadian money.
???What had I said or done to make him feel safe enough to ask this question,??? I wondered. Maybe it was my cane and my asking for help. Maybe it was my smile or my laugh or my wrinkles. Maybe it was the sticker that said ???joy??? marking my debit card. Whatever it was that gave him the courage to ask his question, I was grateful and ready to listen for magic.
He said blushing was a problem that had plagued him all his life and it was a constant source of misery for him. He blushed easily and often, and he hated it. He sounded hopeless. I suppose I could have told him he was being silly and overreacting, but he must have known I never would have said any such thing, or he never would have shared his secret with this stranger.
???Well, first of all, you are telling yourself a story that whatever is happening to you is embarrassing. Then you tell yourself the story that blushing is terrible.???
???It is!??? he said vehemently. ???I hate it.???
???I tell myself a different story about your blushing,??? I said. ???I find it endearing. I think some young woman is going to come around some day, see you blush, and think, ???Whoa! This is the guy for me!??????
???Really???? he said, hope flooding his voice. ???I thought girls hated men who blushed.???
???The girls who hate that are weeds in your garden. Better to throw them out fast. Leave room for the sweet-smelling flowers.???
Our conversation ventured into other stories he was telling himself. He thought he was stupid because he had a hard time learning to read. He was sure his whole life was over because he was twenty and had not yet started college. He dreaded the years stretching out ahead of him. He felt his life was over and he had blown it.
???Your future feels like a huge anvil hanging over your head, doesn???t it???? I said to him.
He turned and looked at me as if I were a magician. ???How did you know? That is exactly what it feels like!???
We only had about fifteen minutes together, but it felt like one of those small miracles to me. I would not have met Matthew if it weren???t for my vision loss. I would never have been able to invite Matthew to change his stories if he hadn???t been brave enough to ask me if I could help him with his blushing problem. I think it rather marvelous that I could not see his blushing. Sometimes I can feel it, but I simply cannot see the subtleties of a blush.
I was simply living the mystery, surfing the mystery, and here was this sweet boy/man known as Matthew before me in all of his vulnerable glory. Did I help him change his life? Yes, I???m sure I did. Did he start taking those drama classes he said he would like to take? (After he told me with absolute despair in his voice that he couldn???t think of anything that he wanted to do with his life, I asked, ???Are you sure there isn???t something in your belly that wants to become???? ???Well,??? he said, in the tone I have come to recognize when people start listening to their genius, ???I have always wanted to be an actor.???)
Did he sign up for that class that his belly wanted him to take? I don???t know. Will it be harder for him to resist the call of his bliss? I think it will.
Matthew, like all of us, has a battle raging in him between what he thinks his limitations are and what he is called to become on this planet. The voices in our culture that tell us what is possible and impossible for us are strong and sure. Those subtle calls to our destiny are like the voice that told Kevin Costner in the movie Field of Dreams,???If you build it, he will come.??? These inklings and nudges toward our greatness can sound crazy. We don???t understand them and we are afraid no one else will either.
So which voice in our head are we going to listen to: the Muse with its outrageous urgings, or the Dinosaur, with its voice of shame and doubt? We decide every day, and the quality of our lives rests on these infinite decisions of trust vs. fear.
Can you entertain the idea that perhaps you are brilliant, talented, fabulous and gorgeous? Try it! Invite the idea into your mind, give it a cup of tea, and hang out with it awhile. You don???t have to let it move in or marry it. Just let yourself wonder, let yourself consider the possibility that you can live a grand, full, delicious life, a life bigger than you ever thought possible.
Related Posts
