I’d like you to visualise a sheep walking across a hillside. A sheepdog appears at a distance and the sheep’s path changes, very subtly. Without being consciously aware, the sheep is being herded. The dog doesn’t need to bark or growl, just keep watching and the sheep will change its course. If you could ask that sheep, would it tell you that it had changed course because of the dog? No, it probably wouldn’t even be aware that it had changed course. Watching from a distance, you can see how its trajectory has been altered, but the sheep just sees more grass to eat because it’s hard to stand back from oneself.
That’s us. All of us, to a greater or lesser extent. We believe that we are pulling the strings, and to some extent we are, but everybody is affected by social dynamics. When a new person enters a room, just watch what happens for the first two seconds. Everybody becomes socially alert, ready to adjust the signals they’re giving out. It’s especially obvious when a high status individual enters the room, because their presence alters the pecking order.
And there’s nothing wrong with being influenced by social dynamics, because this is how society works for us humans. We adopt status roles which are more or less fixed, because we give off status signals which tell the world how to respond to us. Somebody with high status is continuously transmitting those signals, telling the world to watch out. Somebody with low status is transmitting a diferent signal, and when these two people meet there’s no doubt who will be listened to. So one of our development needs is to reset our status, to move up the ladder. And the only way to do this is to challenge people we feel uncomfortable challenging. It may be friends, colleagues, family. Just standing ground to the point of mild discomfort. I have observed many high status people doing this, and they do it all day. In shops. Restaurants. At work. They assert their high status to reinforce their position, and it becomes a bullying habit for some. I’m not suggesting that you become a bully (!), but if you do as I suggest and move slightly outside your comfort zone, you will find that within a week these interactions don’t cause you any discomfort whatsoever. (So then you need to push harder).
You are human, and your daily reality is influenced by social pressures which are mostly invisible. And you are somewhere on a continuum which ranges from sheepdog to sheep. Somewhere on that line is where you are right now. And you can shift that position, move to a point where mere social pressure won’t budge you. You can even move all the way towards becoming a sheepdog, if you choose.
Even sheep have dreams, but inevitably they are more constrained than the dreams of sheepdogs. The challenge for every one of us is to become so secure that we can ignore the sheepdog. It happens gradually, with small acts of what may seem like defiance, although I would encourage you to think diferently about freedom. Your freedom is not in anybody’s gift – not mine, not your employer’s, certainly not any government. You are free because you are. So doing what you believe to be right, in this moment, is not an act of defiance. Maintaining your course is not an act of defiance, because there is no power which has the right to deflect you. Of course, it can be uncomfortable maintaining an unpopular course, and you may choose to do something different – once again, you are free to choose – but no power has the right to determine your path but you.
One of the most common ways in which people influence us is in their use of our time. Your time is your only resource – you will die one day – and it is yours to use as you see fit. When we let others use up some of our time we give away our only resource. Freely given, it’s a wonderful gift, but all too often people assume a right to what is yours and yours alone.
We all make adjustments, continuously, in response to this complex and largely invisible social dynamic. We can train ourselves to be more resolute in our dealings with others, and this feeds back to raise our status, which makes it easier to be resolute, and so on until we have a new, secure, social status.
Jim Sullivan is a hypnotherapist specialising in confidence development and stress management. Further information relating to the content of this article may be found through the Confidence Club website:
