My First Sober Funeral

My First Sober Funeral
It was Thursday morning, January 29th,2004, two months before Mom’s 74th Birthday. I awoke early to get some work done and take the garbage out. While browsing the net, I saw that James Brown, the famous singer, had been arrested in South Carolina for beating his wife.
One of my newsletter readers e-mailed me to tell me that she had just seen my article entitled, “18 days”, in the Feb. edition of the AA Grapevine. Since I had not received my copy, I called Grapevine to complain that they had charged me for an annual subscription in December and that I still had not received my Jan. issue or Feb. issue. They apologized for the mistake and promised me that it would go out immediately.
I then received a phone call from Jill, my sister, who was attending to my mother in Florida. I answered the phone and she simply said, “Mom’s gone”. She then asked me if we could fly to Florida that afternoon so that we could bury her the next morning. I lost my cool and told her that she was rushing it and she did not understand what it took to drop everything and fly across the country. She countered with her anger by telling me that everyone had been there for the last 10 days watching Mom die. I told Jill to have the funeral without me and gave the phone to Toby.
Minutes passed and all I did was rant and rave and complain about how unfair everything was. It took me a while to get my composure and start praying to God for guidance.
I first called Delta and they wanted $1200/person to fly to Ft. Lauderdale through Atlanta. Then I called Jet Blue and they wanted $800/person to fly to West Palm through New York. Finally, I got onto to Orbitz and found a same day $330/person RT fare to West Palm on American Airlines through Dallas. Since American Airlines uses the same initials as Alcoholics Anonymous, I knew that God was guiding me.
Toby and I had to get ready in 45 minutes in order to make the 12:00 flight. Amazingly, we were able to pack, water the plants, shut down the heating and water, cancel appointments, reschedule dinner arrangements, touch base with clients, and leave for the airport on our harried schedule.
While I was on the airplane I looked out the window and thought I saw banners waiving in the sky. Upon further inspection, I felt the presence of all my dead relatives and felt that Mom was flying around me and that she was finally happy for the first time in her life. I told Toby what I thought and she simply smiled.
In less than 12 hours from the time we received the phone call we were in the Boca Raton Marriott awaiting the funeral, which would be held the next day at 1:00 P.M.
We awoke at 6:00 A.M. Both of us were on auto-pilot. I felt numb and just went with what I thought was the right thing to do. I prayed constantly repeating God’s name and asking for guidance. I felt a nervous energy permeating throughout my body. I got on the Internet and found an e-mail from one of my readers who pointed me to the Boca Raton AA website. I jotted down the Pompano morning meeting address and decided to attend.
Toby and I got dressed. I prepared for the funeral by not thinking about what I was going to say. My sister told me that the rabbi told her to tell me to write down my thoughts. I told her that AA required me to talk from my heart. So, I worked hard not to think about what I was going to say. When a thought about my speech entered my mind, I turned to prayer for relief.
Toby and I went over the Starbucks that we had frequented many times before at the Boca Raton Center just behind the Marriott. I had my typical tall triple Americano and a low fat blueberry muffin. She had a mocha latte. We talked about how much I needed the meeting. She walked back to the hotel while I drove down to Pompano to attend the Bottom Line Group.
The large room, which faced Sample Road, was filled with lots of smiling people. Since it was an open meeting I got to share about my fears, anxieties and concerns about the funeral. After the meeting many people came over to welcome me to Florida and gave me their telephone numbers for emergency. Thank God I never had to call. But, it was great to know that they were there for me if I needed them.
I then headed back to the hotel to pick up Toby and we headed out for breakfast. We chose the nearby Rascal House and I slowly ate a corned beef and egg white omelette washing it down with coffee.
We headed back to the hotel and dreadfully awaited driving to the funeral home. At 12:00 P.M. we enter the funeral home and find out that we are the first to arrive. We are shown into a large pink-brown room that you would see on Six Feet Under. I immediately see lots of Kleenex boxes and think about the BackStreetClub.
For an hour we sit at the end of the room, greet people as they enter and talk about Mom. Many elect to see Mom in the open casket. I elect not to. When I am not talking to guests I look around the room and see my two daughters, Jordana and Moira, Lizzann, my ex-wife, Jill, my sister and Benoit, her ex-husband. Part of me keeps thinking that something is wrong with this picture. Often I tell people that I spoke to Mom this morning and that she was great. I know it sounds unrealistic but my spiritual connection with my innermost feelings was extremely high.
We are then ushered into the funeral chapel. The “rent-a-rabbi” talks briefly about Mom and the family. Although he had been thoroughly coached by Jill I felt that he was more like a “robo” rabbi instead of like Rabbi Cohen who had coached me for my Bar Mitzvah 40 years ago.
After the rabbi talked for about 5 minutes, two of Mom’s friends, Ruthie and Barbara talked briefly about how they felt about Mom. Then Jill took to the stage with her prepared speech. Although I could make out her words, it was difficult to hear her through her choked-felt tearful voice.
Finally, I got up. I walked to the stage with confidence and assurance that what I was about to say was from my heart. My heart never pounded and I never thought about what I was going to say. I slowly spoke looking at each and every one in the room. I talked about my relationship with both Mom and Dad.
I started off by telling them that my life had changed since I acknowledged that I was an Alcoholic and that I had become a member of AA. I remember saying that I had asked the rabbi for ten minutes and that 10 minutes was not enough to talk about my parents. I shared with the room how I had changed from blaming my parents for everything to taking responsibility. I talked about 9-stepping Mom and that we had started a beautiful journey to first base and that I was sorry that I did not know why God had taken her at this moment in my life. I quoted the Bible and Genesis and talked about the phrase where God says “Let Us Create Mankind in Our Own Image”. I basically said to the audience, “Who was God talking to when he said this?” I suggested that he was talking to angels and that we all had our own individual angels looking after us.
People cried, laughed, smiled and came over to me as we waited to go to the cemetery. They told me how proud my mother was of my accomplishment. I smiled, said thank you and told them that Mom was there the entire time and that she enjoyed the speech as well. To this day, I still cannot tell you what I said. I can only tell you how I felt , that it came from my heart and that I began to understand humility.
All of the cars jogged into the funeral procession while turning on their lights. Since our rented car was blocked by other people attending another service, Toby and I elected to take a ride with two of Mom’s best friends, Lenny and Jeanie. While heading to cemetery, I listen to stories about my parents. I never knew how close Mom and Dad were to Lenny and Jeanie. Jeanie even told me about one time where Mom drank without eating and fell asleep in front of everyone. Now, that’s a story that I could relate to.
Jill was upset because the police escort never showed and locals kept honking their horns at the slow procession. At one point, the lead driver had to get out of his car and motion uninvited cars out of our line.
We arrived at the cemetery where Mom and Dad had decided to be buried. Since my mother was afraid of being buried underground she chose a crypt in an above ground mausoleum. As you entered the mausoleum you could see beautiful granite laced walls with the names of other departed Jews. The room was white and warm with hints of rose laced throughout the sun-drenched walls which climbed 10 feet tall to ivory ceilings.
The rabbi said the Kaddish and the immediate family poured some sand from Israel over the casket. Some made little piles and touched the casket. I chose to spread the sand over the entire top and knocked gently on the casket whispering, “Good bye”. I felt Mom’s presence the entire time and it felt good.
Lenny drove us back to the funeral home to get our car. Toby and I drove back to the house for Shiva, a ceremony which can last from a couple of days to a week.
Basically, everyone sits around and talks about the recently departed. I saw some old videos of Mom on the T.V. and ate typical Jewish food; corned beef and chopped liver on rye bread, brownies and ruggalah. I walked around the room and thanked everyone for coming. Many people told me how moved they were by my words and that Mom would have loved it. I kept telling them “She did. She was there the entire time”. I still believe that to this day.
It is absolutely amazing how AA has changed my life. It has given me a tremendous gift called love and life. I have personally seen how I affect people for the better by spreading of love and comfort.
Toby and I went back to the hotel room early, fell asleep, missed dinner and woke up late to read and talk about the beautiful ceremony. Although the skies had been threatening, it never rained and I felt lots of love in my heart. I acknowledge that without AA I would never have been able to reconnect positively with my Mom. And, for that, I am forever grateful.
Ever have a day you want to forget? But, know that you shouldn’t or wont? Toby and I got up early to go downstairs to the treadmills. Three were busy and one was available. I told Toby to use the one available treadmill while I walked around the parking lot with my headphones on listening to the Chicago soundtrack.
We then went over to Starbucks for our regular routine and found ourselves rushing to get to the house by 10:00 A.M. Upon our arrival, Jill felt it was important to go over some legal matters. Since I also had several issues mulling around in my brain, we agreed to discuss future education expenses for my children, conditions outlined in Mom’s living trust, distribution of Mom’s estate, future care for my bedridden father and distribution options on Mom’s insurance policy. As we talked about sensitive issues, I could see other family members walking through the kitchen, getting breakfast and/or coffee.
Upon request, Jill gave me a copy of Mom’s living trust and will to read. While making copies on the combination fax/printer, Jill walked Toby through Mom’s closest and showed her bags and jewelry, encouraging her to take what she liked. As I read the legal documents, I felt scared every time I saw my name in print.
We then went over to see Dad. Before leaving the house, Jill cautioned me that no one had told Dad that Mom had died and that, since I offered, I should tell him. When we entered Dad’s room he was half-asleep with his eyes slightly opened. I asked Elizabeth, his day nurse, to leave the room. I then leaned over, grabbed his hand, and told him about my sobriety and about Mom. He never responded and laid lifeless. I felt that I was looking into a one-way mirror without any reflection and realized that he was trapped inside of a tortured body.
Toby and I grabbed a quick lunch at Poppies, one of my father’s favorite restaurants, and bought more food for the 2nd day of the shiva observation. While wolfing down Poppie’s cookies in the car, we drove back to the hotel, set an alarm, fell asleep for a ? hour and then returned to Mom’s house. More conversations ensued while it rained heavily outside. Very few people showed up to the house and lots of food went uneaten. Carol, Dad’s former nurse and Mom’s assistant, insisted that she would put the food to good use.
Lenny asked me how I was doing and shared with me a story about Dad. He told me that when Dad had his first stroke he had asked Lenny for help in killing himself. Lenny told me that he could not help Dad. Lenny’s story made sense because I knew Dad never liked people in wheel chairs and always frowned upon people less fortunate then him.
For the first time in my life, I saw Dad as a weak person and not as strong as I thought. I had always believed that he was alive because he did not want to die. After hearing Lenny’s story, I came to believe that Dad was alive in that 13-year debilitating condition because God wanted him that way.
Jill encouraged me to do my amends with Lizzann, my ex-wife. She told me that the opportunity was good and that I should avail myself of the situation. Lizzann and I met in the garage where no one could hear us. I told her about my alcoholic recovery program and she understood by telling me that she had relatives in the program. I told her that I wanted to help her financially and that she needed to tell me how I could help. I shared with Toby what I had done and also offered her some money to help pay back for the times when she carried me through some tough business months.
Going back inside, I told both Jordana and Moira that their education money was safe and that I would make good on other expenses as necessary, Jill cautioned me that no one had told Dad that Mom had died and that, since I offered, I should tell him. When we entered Dad’s room he was half-asleep with his eyes slightly opened. I asked Elizabeth, his day nurse, to leave the room. I then leaned over, grabbed his hand, and told him about my sobriety and about Mom. He never responded and laid lifeless. I felt that I was looking into a one-way mirror without any reflection and realized that he was trapped inside of a tortured body.
Toby and I grabbed a quick lunch at Poppies, one of my father’s favorite restaurants, and bought more food for the 2nd day of the shiva observation. While wolfing down Poppie’s cookies in the car, we drove back to the hotel, set an alarm, fell asleep for a ? hour and then returned to Mom’s house. More conversations ensued while it rained heavily outside. Very few people showed up to the house and lots of food went uneaten. Carol, Dad’s former nurse and Mom’s assistant, insisted that she would put the food to good use.
Lenny asked me how I was doing and shared with me a story about Dad. He told me that when Dad had his first stroke he had asked Lenny for help in killing himself. Lenny told me that he could not help Dad. Lenny’s story made sense because I knew Dad never liked people in wheel chairs and always frowned upon people less fortunate then him.
For the first time in my life, I saw Dad as a weak person and not as strong as I thought. I had always believed that he was alive because he did not want to die. After hearing Lenny’s story, I came to believe that Dad was alive in that 13-year debilitating condition because God wanted him that way.
Jill encouraged me to do my amends with Lizzann, my ex-wife. She told me that the opportunity was good and that I should avail myself of the situation. Lizzann and I met in the garage where no one could hear us. I told her about my alcoholic recovery program and she understood by telling me that she had relatives in the program. I told her that I wanted to help her financially and that she needed to tell me how I could help. I shared with Toby what I had done and also offered her some money to help pay back for the times when she carried me through some tough business months.
Going back inside, I told both Jordana and Moira that their education money was safe and that I would make good on other expenses as necessary, but did not have the wealth that surrounded Gaga, their nickname for my Mother.
I told Jill that I wanted 3 paintings that meant a lot to me, a miniature ceramic piano, a musical carousel (that Toby and I had bought for Mom) and a talking picture of the kids when they were very young. I elected to not take any pictures of Mom since I had many at our home in Utah.
After an exhausting goodbye with my sister, ex-wife, children, Jill’s ex-husband, and neighbors, Toby and I headed to the hotel for a cheeseburger at the Marriott lobby bar.
Since a lot of people were in town for Superbowl, we had to sit at the bar for 50 minutes before being served. Toby had 3 martinis and I had a diet coke with three cherries.
Upon returning to the room, Toby fell asleep within 30 seconds and I went to the keyboard to write down the day’s notes. Throughout the day, I had tried to contact Mom but she never answered. I finally realized that she had to leave for whatever destination God had wanted for her.
God bless you, Mom. Let Him take care of you. And, thanks for everything. I cannot nor will not forget you.