Admit it: While your friends are speed-dating moving much too fast to be
appropriately depressed over one unfulfilling one-night stand after another
youre a hopeless romantic who believes in happily ever after.
Youve already figured out that finding your soul mate takes time and hard work.
What you havent learned is how to create the right opportunities.
Expecting that, someday soon, a hunk-a-chunk-a-burnin-love will fall from the
sky into your martini glass is human nature, so congrats on being human, says
Southern California humorist Laurie Frankel, author of It”s Not Me…It”s You!
If Youre the Shy Type
Initiating first contact may feel daunting if youre already antsy at a crowded
party or dissecting a total strangers profile at an online dating site.
Fear not, say the experts. There are foolproof ways to break the ice, without
resorting to tawdry pickup lines or tripping over your tongue.
Instead of the overt walk up and ask him/her out approach, start with a series
of short, low-key conversations, advises Dr. Rachna D. Jain, a practicing
psychologist and professional relationship coach in Columbia, Maryland.
Talk about activities you are planning, which you might invite the other person
to participate in, she tells AdamandDrew.com. For example: Bob, did you know
there is a great movie coming to the local theater? Do you ever see movies there?
What do you think about the place..? Then, maybe the next day, follow up with:
Bob, I decided to go and see that movie was planning to go on Sunday. Any
chance you”d be free to go with me?”
Dr. Jain calls this warming them up checking to see if potential dates are
interested before taking the full-frontal risk of asking them out.
Group events may be a more comfortable prospect if you want to delay intimacy.
Keep the focus on doing some activity together, rather than planning a date
where there is nothing else to do but sit and talk, Dr. Jain says. (Example:
Sarah, my softball team is playing a game on Friday night and then going out for
pizza. Would you want to come and watch the game and then go out with us for
something to eat afterward?)
Just for Women
If you prefer the notion of a man making the first move, you can help him along
by nonverbally inviting him to approach you. It takes three simple steps,
according to Dr. Jain:
– Show interest.
– Give him the opening.
– Accept the opportunity.
Show interest by looking at him and smiling, and then slowly looking away, she
says. You can hold yourself slightly away and apart from the conversation youre
in, and give him an opening to come up to talk to you. You can break free of your
group of friends to give him a chance to approach you. Good eye contact, smiling
widely and facing him directly will show your interest.
Once he approaches, accept the opportunity to speak. Stay calm, open and
interested even if you feel shy or are tempted to turn away.
Initiating contact isnt much different.
First, see if you can get him to talk to you, Dr. Jain says. If that doesnt
work, wait for an opening to go up to him. A good way to open a conversation is:
I don”t think weve met yet. Hi, Im ___, and put your hand out for him to
shake. Most men will respond positively, and you can gauge his interest from
there.
Just for Men
To show interest in a woman, use your eyes to your advantage.
Start by catching her eye and smiling, Dr. Jain recommends. If she seems
interested catches your eye, smiles, seems open you can go up to her and say
the same thing: Hi, I don”t think we”ve met yet. I”m ___ and continue from
there.
It helps to understand how a woman thinks. She will usually make the first move
under two conditions, according to Dr. Jain:
– Youre standing alone.
– Youre standing next to one of her friends.
So, if you want to give a woman the opening to speak with you, break away from
the crowd or group periodically to give her a chance to come up to you, she
says. You might also try going up to one of your mutual friends to see if he or
she might introduce you or smooth the way for a conversation.
If Theres No Chemistry
Once you initiate contact, be prepared for a welcome reception or the
brush-off.
The first few minutes of contact are always delicate and should be treated
gently, even if there is no interest on both sides, Dr. Jain says. At least be
kind.
Frankel compares the experience to shopping for clothes.
Some things look great on the hanger or good on others, but when you actually
try them on they look hideous on you, she tells AdamandDrew.com. Your
bootylicious butt is about to split the seam or your less-than-endowed bust is
letting you and your neckline down. Personal style is all about finding
what”s right, which requires exposure to a wide variety of fashions.
Chalk it up to experience, and then get shopping again! A salesperson at a very
prominent jeans store once told me women try on 15 pairs of jeans for every one
pair they buy. So, start getting in and out of your pants, and assume a similar
ratio for finding compatibility and love!
