Communications is a two way process of sending and receiving messages. The sharing of messages between human beings is complicated and far too often taken for granted. Generally what we do is talk. Let’s clear one thing up from the outset. Talking is not communicating. We can talk without communicating and to be honest with you, this seems to be the case in way too many relationships.
Understanding and improving communication patterns means learning not to take communication for granted. Admittedly, this is difficult because most people tend to be as unaware of their communication as their breathing. It is crucial that you begin to see that it is communication that creates relationships and it is most often communications breakdowns, either directly or indirectly, that lead ultimately to relationships demise.
Human relationships and communication are interpersonal, that is, between humans and the interpersonal communication of messages is a two-way process. Inherent in the two-way view of communication is the understanding that persons who communicate both send and receive messages and both are responsible for the message.
When communicating is understood as a dynamic process, it becomes clear that speakers need to express thinking and feeling messages as clearly and accurately as possible; listeners need to provide responses in order to clarify their perception of messages. Sometimes in relationships, persons will not share the same perceptions and there will be conflict. Conflict is inevitable because people are unique and different. It is important to avoid viewing conflict as something which is always bad because it is not; conflict can be healthy. It would probably be beneficial to manage conflict as opposed to eliminating it. Trying to get rid of it entirely may result in individuals erecting walls of separation. It is perfectly okay to just agree to disagree. Good conflict management skills can keep your relationship positive and may even strengthen it. Of course, the opposite is also true. Poor conflict management can destroy relationships.
I cannot begin to impress upon you how extremely important it is to develop good assertive communication skills. When you are assertive, you are emotionally honest because you express your thoughts and feelings in such a way that the other person feels valued and respected and also respects you. We must preserve the other’s ego strength. Failure to do so will ultimately lead to the diminishing of the relationship integrity. There is much truth in the axiom, “it is not what you say but how you say it.”
It always made me cringe when I counseled couples where one or both engaged in nonassertive communications. Nonassertive communications is dishonest and disparaging of one’s self because you deny your own thoughts and feelings. Nonassertive communication is an anathema to relationships because it is a situation where one feels hurt and inferior and angry while the other person feels superior. In situations like this, the negative thoughts and feelings do not go away, they build, fester and brew and may eventually be expressed in some form of misconduct.
Perhaps most debilitating of all is aggressive communications. Aggressive communications exist where one person expresses him or herself without regard for the other person or the relationship. It is the height of disrespect and non-caring.
Again (and I cannot repeat it too often), assertive communications is the way to go. It serves to preserve or build relationships of mutual respect even when the communicators have very different perspectives on what they are communicating about.
Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries.
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She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, will be available soon.
